i guess life is what u make of it. what i dont understand is how ppl have oppurtunitys and dont take them. like right now i realized i fucked up alot over the past yr and grown so much at the same time. i mean im not perfect ill b the first to tell u. the thing with this i cant blame anyone but myself. i try to blame it on something or someone but im realizing i have to be held accountable for my own actions. in the end my life is my own story. o think ill b on here more often because i have alot built up i just cant let it out. so be on the lookout for me post

ur forgiven

so they say time heals all, i guess ur right but i think its more like you kinda forget and just live. how do u do this if everything reminds you of them or etc. i mean like who would of thought i could carry such feelings as these after all this was done? shit i didnt even think i could, i prayed and i forgave so im sitting here thinking about friendship....how can i possible have any kind of relationship with this person? hmmm i never said i would forget i just said i have forgiven. they say this is dumb that im doing this but i have to do this for me, not because the fact i hold hatred or anything just because its a relief to me while at the same time a burden. they are next to me i shake hmm not because the reasons most pppl would think so i keep it inside. everyday for over a year and it ended like this. crazy? that persons friend who witnessed it all i ignored but how can i wen i dont really hold a grudge. time healed my wounds but theyre still not all the way hidden. i dont wana c u punished but in that same note i totally do. how caould u have done this....done this to me? i mean really to me? i guess i wana b able to share my story that strength and God is all u need for things like this. i want to b able to say HI! but deep down inside i know its not the right time. i want to walk up to u and say " honestly i forgive u this sisnt about u but more about me" i wana laugh again at ur cornyness i wana do so much but i cant i cant do any of this because i havent yet lived so yes time healed my wounds but life buries it...well atleast i think so. i mean i been in situations where people were taken out of my life and it hurt i dodnt show it but it hurt like hell. yes time healed it but because i just kept living it made it so much easier to forget it. bad choice of words because i would never want to forget them and i never will but u know what i mean. im so confused because i willl never hate u and i realized that cuz even after this u still bring a smile to my face. how can i possibly do this to u? well the thing is i was told "leave it in God's hands and you will be okay" i have and all i want u to know is even at ur worse i was there and wen u turned half way to ur best u left me standing there. not only was i mentally destroyed but that day it was physically,emotionally and mentally broken down into someone i should have never been. but as i say u live and u learn. dont take this the wrong way this was the best thing that happened to me. i will always love u and now u kno ur forgiven :)

birthday and christmas coming up!!!

Im so excited. ill be 19 in 18 days ....I kno still young oh well

so me and Ryan are gonna do this big snowboard board bash at big bear...cant wait!

rent a cabin for 2 nites and jus have hella fun...its been pretty frustrating though trying to figure it all out because its right around the corner. Have to find a cabin, friends who want to go and can afford it etc etc. im just really hoping no one flakes and it goes as planned. Cant lie this shit is gonna be expensive... Newho i kinda been thinkin what gifts i want this year lol so lets see

music @ the moment

JoJo is back in action with the new leaked songs from "All i want is everything", shit is dope real talk. my favorite songs as of right now are

1. I hate love



2. Do watcha gotta do



3. Fly away

Also Tynisha keli go two sounds playing alot lately in my speakers

1. Wishful thinkig



2. Conversation with God

real talk like thier music always relates to my life real talk, I just get lost in the words sometimes and felt the need to share!

girly ways

So alots been on the brain, and been needing to let some of these feelings out and remembered i had a blog site that i never used lol. So the truth is alot is going on, no not all bad just situations i guess im putting myself in. Any who so i usually have this mind like a guy i mean, my friends be like damn you think like a nigga, but thats until i guess you can say i catch feelings and then im a girl again lol. Im guessing i have mu guyish ways is because i have an older brother who i learned from and a lot of other experiences i went through myself,heard about and/or seen. But back to the main reason for this blog is im stuck in about two situations; one being school like why am i fucking around when i know my future is at stake, like no im not out acting dumb and shit im just not giving it my full attention and then its the boy thing. Like why am i letting myself fall into this place of vulnerability? the sad thing is im seeing bad signs, but my feelings are still there. All messed up right? well when its been forever since you felt this way its kinda cool,but then all bad when its bad signs...He's really not even my type but something about him has me in this situation so im stuck with the question why on my mind alot lately...have you ever just sat there and wondered why and could never come up with the answer? well thats how i am right now and i really should just be focusing on school work, so at the end of the day i guess i am just try my best to just let go of this and go back to my player days lmao and focus on school